A Proud Moment

So, I finally took the time to update my header. I may even be able to do it somewhat regularly.

Yes, it took me 2 1/2 years . . . shhhhhh . . . I'm having a proud moment.

**Update: The secrets are all revealed here. I found this great little blog (for lots of things really) that provides a quick and easy tutorial. I love the simplicity and the ability to switch things around easily. You will definitely see a not so coincidental likeness . . . Enjoy!

Go on and Cry

I spent some time over lunch break today researching walkers and rollators (a new term I just learned describing walkers with four wheels) for Gavin. I looked for contact information for a few members of the Utah Spina Bifida group that we were actively involved in for the first year of Gavin's life when we lived in Heber. In my search, I stumbled upon several email updates that I shared right after Gavin's birth and I reread them. In the March 23rd email, I described discovering spinal fluid leaking from his incision just the night before, rushing back to Primary Children's and the shunt they were placing in his head that very day.

I've shared stories and letters I have written before about Gavin. And, I am still always surprised by my reactions. I read this:

I think we all knew of the likelihood that Gavin would require this surgery. . . unfortunately, as a mother of a three week old infant that is having a second major surgery . . . I am clearly devastated and not handling it as well as I had hoped. Nevertheless, we have developed an even stronger love for Gavin than we thought possible and will do anything we can to protect and care for him.

And, that familiar lump formed in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. Still fresh from three years ago. Still fresh now for new reasons that develop each day.


I continued my search for resources on mobility devices - and within minutes I found this post from a fellow mom of a little boy with Spina Bifida. And, I wanted to share it here. I don't want to be the mom that constantly complains about my job, dwells on the frustrations of life and the despair that often comes from being a mom to a child with a disability. But, I also want to be honest. Writing helps me sort out and deal with my own feelings.

But, today I will share feelings from Toby's mom. Because I couldn't have said it better.


When Toby was in the NICU a lady whose son went to my college came to visit me one afternoon. This was about the third week of our stay and I was just ready for the whole ordeal to be over. Her son had Spina Bifida and she came to just sit and talk and answer any questions that I might have. Well, I am sure I overwhelmed her with my ridiculous amount of questions. and you know I can barely remember some of her answers. But one thing she said to me has stuck out almost 4 years later. You know the kind of thing that sticks so bad that you can even hear the inflection in the person's voice when you think it over in your head.

In a somewhat sad and tired voice. She said, "Kari, You're gonna cry" but with a smile on her face she said, "and it's okay." I thought at the time this was unusual. But she said it quite a few times and therefore it seemed very significant to her. I thought I had cry all my tears out. My son was here and how could I cry anymore. I knew there would be hard times, hard surgeries and things of that nature in which I might cry, but now was not the time.

What I didn't realize was how true those words were. There will be days when there will be no reason, no significant thing that happened, but you will cry. There will be days when a thought will knock the breath right out of you and you will cry. I child will run past you with his little legs and you just might cry. Sometimes I feel guilty for crying. I have my son. There are so many families out there fighting such scary things. Three families I know of that just recently lost their children to cancer. There are families who have multiple miscarriages or children in the NICU fighting for the very next breath. I have my son. But needless to say, You most likely will cry. There will be sadness.

But then comes the next part, "And it's Okay."

I'm so glad she added those three little words on the end. It is okay. And that is why I wanted this post to go under the taking care of you. It's not a makeup tip, or hair tip or diet tip. But how true is it that crying and taking that time to mourn and heal is really taking care of yourself. It's okay to cry. It doesn't mean you love your child any less or that you feel like you have it worse off than another family. It's just crying and it's going to happen and.....It's Okay.

You get up, dry your eyes, pray for strength and you keep going.

And you know the funny part? That day when you felt like your heart was breaking is so easily forgotten with the next smile from your child.

Mini-vacation in Finger Lakes, NY

The Highs and Lows

I just got off the phone with my boss and the CFO of my company. It's 10pm my time and 10am their time in China. I presented two proposals for reforecasting the 2010 marketing budget. My business (the Canadian site) is performing incredibly well this year - beyond all expectations. So, this is the 5th time I have reforecasted spend for 2010 because we keep investing to support the phenomenal response. In comparison, we budgeted and reforecasted for all of 2009 only 3 times. And, it's only March. It's good news overall. But, budgeting/forecasting is incredibly time-consuming if done well. And, I'm a perfectionist. Seriously, I annoy myself because of it.

I literally spent all day Friday (because I was on vacation earlier in the week), time over the weekend, all day yesterday - break for dinner and kids' bedtime - and then worked again until 1am. I was back at the office by 7:30am this morning and emailed the presentation at 3pm today - when I finally stopped to have 'lunch' (or a banana with peanut butter).

I arrived home just before 6pm since I had plenty of other work to do that had been neglected. Ate dinner. Had a cute little FHE with the kids that was delayed from yesterday. Got back online and ready for my 10pm call.

And . . . wait for it . . . the one thing they wanted me to focus on (April forecasting) was the only thing I didn't do. I had already received incremental money for April - so, I spent all of my time on May-December. I was looking back through emails while presenting - to see how I misunderstood the assignment. Anyway . . . the details don't matter. It's confusing anyway.

The bottom line is . . . all of that work . . . all of that time. Spreadsheets, models, presentations, manipulating numbers, haggling with agencies . . .

They laughed and said that I was ahead of the curve . . . that total 2010 reforecasting would be due in two weeks anyway.

We - on the spot - made a decision for April in 5 minutes.

It didn't matter at that point . . . I still felt like a complete

Honestly, it's just amazing to me how a grown woman, a 'Career Woman' (ha ha), can experience the same emotions that you feel when you are sent to the Principal's office (which is a terrible example for me since I was such a goody two shoes back in the day). But, it's that same mixture of disappointment, annoyance, concerns, etc., etc.

I've had much worse happen at work. Much more stressful times. Much more worrying.

This isn't that bad. They didn't really care. But, I don't get my weekend back. I won't get my sleep back (I never had that in the first place). And, I felt like an idiot in front of the new CFO.

Darn.

So, that's a great day in the life of a working mom. Not too different from anyone else really. Not exceptional. Just an example.

Isn't it funny how different all of our lives are? I tell Jeff all the time . . . even though our lives are one . . . we live completely different experiences during the day. Everyone does.

I guess that's why I've found myself recently reading blogs on other people's lives . . . women I don't even know that are stay-at-home parents . . . instead of posting about my own life. I am intrigued by the life that other women lead. Not comparing . . . never comparing. I'm not saying one is harder or more stressful or more rewarding or any other impossible measure. It would never be acceptable for a working man to make this comparison . . . and I wouldn't either . . . and I've been on both sides. I can say there are times that the grass looks greener . . . from both sides.

There are just not many other women that I know personally that share my working experiences right now. For sure, in a tight-knit LDS community, it's a rarity. But, there are a few . . . several that read this blog. It's just that you don't see a lot of blogs out there from full-time working moms documenting their working life.

After my 'Career Woman' post - Jeff and I joked about me starting up a blog that would share all the details of my working day since I seem to be obsessed with reading about the daily details of stay-at-home moms' lives. I don't think there would be a lot of readers.

I'll try get back to posting about kids and family and all that stuff, too. No promises. I'm pretty obsessed right now.

Strawberry Shortcake

While shopping for a gift for our friend's little girl, I walked by the Strawberry Shortcake section of Wal-Mart. I loved her when I was young.

We had already agreed that the kids weren't getting any toys or treats. Being on vacation is treat enough! But, I could not resist the little Strawberry Shortcake doll that was on clearance. She even came with Custard, her kitten, and a DVD . . . all for $3. Jeff joked that it was quite obviously a gift for me. And, I assured him that I'd let Autumn play with her now and then. :)

I couldn't wait to rip open the package and smell her. And, the instant I did, it immediately took me back in time to the back seat of our old white van . . . on a road trip with my parents to Tennessee, where my mom grew up. We ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches out of a cooler that sat on the floor between my Mom and Dad's seat. And, I met my great-grandmother and a distant cousin - who shared my name. I remember asking her if she had Michael Jackson where she lived, too (my family teased me about that for a while . . . I was really young and clearly not well-traveled).

And, we played Strawberry Shortcake.

I love memories like that.

Career Woman

I sat down at the desk again tonight with a long list of 'to do's' in my head. I was going to create a meal plan for the upcoming week - complete with grocery list, plan out a few months of nursery lessons with a printable for the parents, organize my latest recipes into the binder and add divider sections . . . and then I remembered a few people that I needed to email back.

So, I emailed some friends . . . and, then I got lost on Facebook for a few minutes.

Okay . . . shake it off. Focus.

Back to online resources that can help me plan meals and nursery lessons.

One blog led to another and another and another. I couldn't even hit {back} enough to get back to where I started.

What WAS I doing?

Okay, back on track. Looking at sites with craft ideas for young children. Perfect.

Wait . . . she (a blogger I do not know - not even distantly) not only posts about family home evening resources and nursery ideas, she used PVC pipes as drapery rods in her family room. It looks amazing . . . She said the idea came from another blog written by a mom that home schools eight children, adds a new recipe and FHE lesson every week, and has colored 100s of pictures that anyone can download to use on flannel boards . . . Her blog linked to another blog of a mom that printed out those 100s of pictures onto t-shirt transfer fabric which she ironed to flannel and then cut out and organized into individual folders with supporting lessons and stories.

Enough. I will link to all these blogs on my blog so I can refer back to them . . . later.

While I'm on my blog, I'll just check out some of my actual friend's sites to see if they've made any updates. I think at least half of the girls I know are pregnant - including Katherine, who has just made her second gorgeous quilt in just a few months.

ARGH! Sure, I know I should just be happy for all of these amazing women and for all they do. And, I am. I really am. But, now I'm also feeling completely inadequate.

Long gone (or at least shelved) is the notion that I will be this kind of crafty mom. Forget the homeschooling or even the quilts. I'd just be happy to update my blog regularly for my own records, have a schedule for nursery beyond 1 or 2 weeks, organize my 'craft room' (poor, neglected, dusty craft room), and organize . . . well . . . my life.

There are women all around that seem to have everything at home ticking like clockwork. Plus, they throw in a bit of patience, spiritual calm, and insight.

Phooey.

And, then I try to think about what I am really good at. Hmmmm . . .

Well, I am good at my job. And, it's not just your normal job. It's a busy one. Not just busy, but . . . complicated. Hard. Challenging. Pivotal. No wonder I like it.

And, then . . . I realized (really and truly) for the first time that I am . . . {gasp} . . . a CAREER WOMAN. A business professional.

Sure, everyone else probably realized that long ago. Not me.

I have been an in denial wanna-be stay-at-home crafty, creative mom that worked just for insurance and money . . . for five years now. Wow.

I think part of me thought that by admitting I have come to enjoy my job that I would also somehow be saying that I wouldn't prefer to be home raising my kids. And, that's not true.

But, I sense the judging sometimes. I have brushed off the comments by people completely unaware of our situation and Gavin's needs. Those insensitive self-righteous comments.

And, I always get a little chuckle at the people who feel sorry for Jeff. Poor Jeff that has somehow given up everything so that I can work. He has been worried over by everyone much more than your typical stay-at-home parent, I guarantee. Much more than a wanna-be full-time mom. Funny (in an ironic kind of way) . . .

No one can deny how amazing he is. I sent him a note yesterday - from the office - when he sounded uncharacteristically frustrated by cleaning the kitchen yet again - that said that I didn't know any other man that could rebuild a car's engine, construct a house, be more financially savvy or athletic while serving as a go-to babysitter, doing laundry, teaching Gavin the alphabet, being the most amazing patient daddy ever . . . all while loving and supporting an all-too-often frazzled wife. I love him. No . . . I adore him.

So, perhaps he's doing a better job at being a stay-at-home parent than I would.

{grrrrrr}

I'll admit . . . it's not easy to keep a balance. Not at all. When I could be stretching my creative muscles at night, you can typically find me with my computer on my lap, conducting some kind of regression analysis to create a model to forecast the proper daily media spend based on the number of registrants we gain each day at varying levels of TV spend and viewer impressions. And, I hated that I told Autumn to "wait just a second" for me to read her a book tonight because I needed to check my Blackberry. Again.

{sigh}

I'm a career woman. Not a stay-at-home mom. But, I'm still a mommy.

I bet if I were one of those other amazing mom bloggers, I'd wrap this post up with a little bow of wisdom. A little spiritual thought that proves I have grown yet again today.

But, I'm not going to do that. I'm too deflated to try. I'm not even going to do anything that was on my original list. I'll be honest . . . I'll likely go answer some work emails.

Everything else will wait for another night, another list . . . another shelf.

Prayers for Bronson

On Saturday, our dear friends Matt and Sara suffered an unimaginable tragedy. Their baby Bronson - just 16 months old - drowned in their bathtub. Through a whirlwind of action and miracles, he was revived at the hospital after slipping away. Words cannot begin to express my heartbreak and overwhelming love for their family. We have cried, prayed, waited for updates, cried and prayed some more.

And, while I constantly think of them, I am also reminded of our time at Primary Children's, a place of miracles, tragedy and hope. We were uplifted, comforted and astonished by the outpouring of love from friends, neighbors, family and even practical strangers. We appreciated every prayer, call, email, flower, meal and thought on our behalf. Yet, I also couldn't imagine or quite comprehend people being so affected by an experience that felt so personal.

And, while I in no way am comparing our experiences for one second . . . I can, for the first time and with certainty, understand and appreciate the feelings that so many of you had for my family. Is this how you felt? I cannot express my appreciation enough.

My heart literally aches for sweet Sara - as she endures an endless tirade of emotions and regret, sadness and hope. She has always been undoubtedly one of the most remarkable women I have ever met . . . the kind of person that I strive to be. And, she and her family continue to amaze me.

Life seems to stop in everyone's worlds at different points. Time caring over your child's bed at Primary Children's will change you forever. Everyone should walk out of that hospital with their baby in their arms. It's almost painful, even shameful, to have press on when you know loved ones are suffering somewhere. So, for as long as you can . . . please pray for little Bronson, that he can be made whole. Pray for Sara and her family that they may find comfort and peace.

Sara is sharing updates on her blog.