Remembering it all . . .

Two days ago (9/20/11) Gage started saying "ma ma ma ma ma".  I think he was actually saying it out of frustration.  But, I ran right over with the proudest smile on my face and said, "Yes! Mama!"  And, he returned that smile tenfold.

And, then yesterday (9/22/11), I realized that he was reaching for me when I went to pick him up.

I want to write these things down . . . because I didn't do that as well as I should have with Autumn and Gavin.  And, I want to remember these little details forever.  I want to be able to tell my grandchildren stories about their parents when they were babies. 

I have thought about taking hours and hours of video just to capture those simple little moments.  If only . . .

So, I will try to remember . . .

The way Gage kicks his legs, bounces up and down and starts to pant when I walk through the door from work.  Nothing makes me happier.  And, nothing makes more me sad than leaving that same, optimistic little face every morning.

The way he thinks my singing "In the Leafy Treetops" (which has been my diaper-changing song tradition for all of my kids) is hilarious.  Every time.  He probably realizes already that I have no ability to sing.  Autumn actually asks me to stop singing when I try.  But, thankfully, Gage seems to be amused by it . . . at least for now.

The way he wants desperately to eat grown-up food far ahead of the time that I could even imagine my little baby wanting.  He cries all during dinner until he has finger food in front of him.  And, then he happily smacks his little lips and says "ummm yummm ummm ummm" the whole time he munches away.

The way he nods his little head up and down, mouth wide open.  And, the way he does it even more when he sees our excitement.

The way his head every so softly droops over in his stroller when we are walking alone in the quiet, cold mornings and falls asleep.  A few weeks ago, I decided to embrace his 6am wake-up call, rather than fight it.  Because I quickly learned that you can't contain an army-crawling baby on a King-sized bed.  And, you'll be awake anyway.  So, these early mornings have become a special, sacred time with Mommy and baby.  We get up every morning, go downstairs and watch the first five minutes of Baby Signing Time together.  We focus on the signs for eat, drink, water, milk and cracker.  Then, we eat breakfast together and suit up for our morning stroll.  And, I do mean suit up.  The mornings in Heber have become very cold, very quickly.  We know when the sprinklers are on, which way to walk so that the sun isn't in our eyes, and how the rest of the world is missing out on the calm of a beautiful morning.  It's our special time together (although we do welcome the rest of the family to join us if they wake up in time).

The way that Gage turned into a speedy little army crawler overnight.  Two weeks ago, while Jeff and I were on the phone, he said, "Yikes! You can't turn your back on him for a second" (which did scare me on multiple levels!).  He has been crawling like this for a few weeks.  And, in the last week, he has found a way to get up on his hands and knees.  He rocks in that position for a minute and then is back down to the floor.  It's only a matter of time before he gets the hang of hand-knee crawling.  We just lowered his crib this past week.  With the aide of crib rails, he can easily pull himself up.  Yikes.

And, I want to remember that as a mother with this little baby . . .

I am relishing the moments more.  I am holding him longer and more often.  I don't even worry about setting him down on the ground to cry while I run to do one little thing or another (and I also don't worry too much about whether this is going to create terrible habits for him in the long run).  I have learned to juggle with a little baby on my hip.  And, Gage has learned to cling to me - with his little arm curled around mine and the other holding tightly to whatever he can grab - often my shirt or a necklace.

I feel more confident . . . yet, still rely on books and friends to coach me through.

I have come to the realization that sometimes formula is a necessity.  Autumn and Gavin never even tasted the stuff.  But, in the last two weeks, I have realized that he might be hungry even after my milk is gone.  I don't know why exactly that this still makes me feel disappointed.  But, I am letting go a little.  Because I'll do anything I can for this little baby.

And, no matter what . . . I will never get over the sadness that I feel when I leave a little baby at home to go to work.  Even with baby number 3 . . . walking out that door and leaving a young little family at home is still hard . . . every day.

I am lucky and grateful every day for the three little spirits that grace my house.  Yes, they scream and don't listen and fight and hit.  But, they are little.  And, they are mine.  And, I love them more than I could have ever imagined.

Walking through Target

Jeff was walking towards the front of Target after picking up a few items with all three kids.  Just as they were walking in between the children's shoes and the women's lingerie, Gavin yells, "Autumn! Do you want boobies??  AUTUMN!! Do you want boobies?"

It was a proud moment.

Clearly my kids have learned a lot while watching Mommy nurse Gage.

My Boys

Oh how I love these boys.  And, they love each other (except for when Gavin is screaming in Gage's face or poking him in the ribs or bonking him in the head, etc., etc.).

First Day of First Grade!!

Autumn has had a lot of 'first days of school' already.  One for preschool in Canada.  One each for Junior and then Senior kindergarten in Canada.  Another yet for the 2nd half of standard kindergarten in Heber, when we moved home.

And, now first grade!!!

Autumn handled the experience like an old pro.  Because she is now starting at the school within the boundaries of our house-in-progress, we will be driving her to school until we move in . . . whenever that is!

I worked from home so I could be part of the whole family trip to take her to school on her first day.  I was lucky enough to be able to walk her in.  And, I was waiting to pick her up and hear all about her day when she was done.  Those are days I wouldn't trade for anything.

And, then I made some special '1st grade' Jello jigglers to celebrate!  They were a hit.  I just wish I would have taken pictures of her gobbling them down.

A little about Autumn . . .

Autumn is as artistic as ever.  She still loves to draw, make jewelry, color, paint and invent new crafts.  And still, along with her artistic nature comes all of the passion and drama you might expect.  Her mood can change within seconds.  

Although she would rather not take the time to learn the notes on the staff, she can memorize piano music that is far beyond her current level.  She composes music, memorizes everything, and writes songs.

She is always being silly and trying to make other people laugh.  She hasn't perfected her sense of humor though, and we are constantly reminding her that what might be funny the first time, probably isn't as funny the fifth time!

Although she acts crazy and is more outgoing than ever in some ways, she is incredibly shy and sensitive.  She goes out of her way all the time, trying to make friends or talk to neighbors that are older than her.  And, my heart sinks when they ignore her.  We are always hoping that Autumn is a good friend and makes good friends.   

When she gets in trouble, she tends to try to make people laugh (which usually doesn't go over too well).  And, she gets terribly embarrassed when being reprimanded.

Although Autumn and Gavin sometimes fight like other typical siblings, Autumn has been handed a very heavy responsibility in caring for her brother.  And, she is so tender and thoughtful of him and his needs. 

Autumn has her own sense of style . . . and is very concerned about being modest and private.

She adores animals - especially kittens - but, will hold, capture, keep and love any animal that comes her way . . . from bugs to snakes to birds to house pets.  Nothing makes her happier than getting to ride a horse.  She's a natural cowgirl.

Autumn is a wild little daredevil.  She has quickly progressed on her dirt bike and loves her little snowmobile, too.  She learned to ice skate in Canada and is learning quickly how to roller blade.  She is learning to be a great little swimmer.  And, is the first to tell me how she doesn't need help with any of her activities.  Her overconfidence is fantastic . . . but, sometimes a concern.

She is currently very into Space and can tell you all about what happened to Pluto, how long small and big stars live and how she wants to be an astronaut one day.

We end most nights thinking of new ways to express how much we love each other . . . more than there are grains of sand, more than drops of water in the ocean, more than the number of stars in the sky.

But, most of all . . . despite her sassy attitude and her wild behavior and her sometimes awkward sense of humor, Autumn is kind and sincere.  I love spending one-on-one time with her, when she finally opens up to me about her thoughts and questions.  She makes me laugh constantly.  Nothing makes me happier than her laugh and her smile.

She is our beautiful little brown-eyed girl.

Made in Canada

At my going-away-dinner for Ancestry.ca, the team gave me a red onesie for Gage that said "Made in Canada."  It was my favorite gift (that and the magazine cover they created and framed with me on the cover!).

It is one of the beloved items we had tucked away in a closet that represents the time we were in Canada . . . a time that seems a million miles away.  We still don't understand how you can live for 2 1/2 years in a place and have all sorts of experiences . . . and then a few short months later, it feels like it was almost a dream.

We've just been waiting for Gage to grow into it.

He is wearing it proud on his 7th month birthday.

Random

Autumn was showing off her jump-roping skills today . . . and, I asked her if she had been practicing.  She shrugged her shoulders and said, "Nope.  I just got my talent back.  That's all."

Pioneer Day Holiday Camping Trip

Over the years, I've transformed from a backpacker who used to hike into the mountains for days and filter my own water . . . to a mom of three that appreciates the conveniences of a trailer.

I am lucky to be involved in a Spina Bifida Moms' group where I gather ideas and support from other parents who have children with unique needs.  The timing of our first meeting was perfect . . . I called Jeff on the way home to discuss the need for Gavin to have his own private bathroom and toilet.  We were nearing the final stages of our house plans and had drawn in one bathroom for Gavin and Gage to share.  After talking to the other moms, I realized how critical it would be for Gavin to have his own, uninterrupted space . . . especially as he grew older.  And, we were able to quickly make a change to our blueprint.

The other realization from that initial meeting was that our traditional style of camping would be transformed as Gavin aged and his bathroom needs changed.  There are certain things that you just can't do with a cooler of water and a bottle of sanitizer and a shovel.  So, we began the hunt for a trailer to accommodate our changing family needs.

The trailer is an integral part of our developing family plan.  I was fresh off of a day away at a Power of Moms conference with 100 other moms, Richard and Linda Eyre (NY bestselling writers of various parenting books who I absolutely LOVE), and other members of their family, where we discussed the importance of family identity and culture.  And, we had just been privileged to visit with Aaron Hicken's cousin's family, an amazing family, during Spring Break, near St. George. Jeff visited them once before on a dirt bike riding trip.

Within an hour of being at their home, I started asking them a million questions to learn their family secrets.  They are everything I hope to be as a family.  Their teenagers even hung out with us willingly, virtual strangers, on a Saturday night.  And, their answers were somewhat simple . . . they said something I won't forget. "We just love spending time together as a family."  And, the kids adamantly shook their heads in agreement!!  They have a fairly structured schedule, specific days of the week where friends can play, chores that are expected, and very regular family trips in their trailer.

They are exactly the kind of family we want to emulate.  So, Jeff and I made some decisions.

I'm not so naive to think that getting a trailer alone is the answer.  It's the decisions you make as a family to spend time together.  We asked ourselves, what do we want our kids to remember about their childhood when they leave our home.  And, we want them to remember us being together.  Making memories the old-fashioned way, with sticks, dirt, marshmallows and a frisbee.

Of course, we would have been absolutely content with our massive Costco tent.  But, we don't have a typical family . . . we do have special needs.  And, we want to do whatever we can to ensure Gavin has the same experiences that every other kid should have.

So, Pioneer Day/Weekend was our first trip together in our new (used) trailer.  And, it was wonderful (minus the mosquitoes and the most aggressive flies we have ever encountered).