A new little Peterson baby

Today was our 20 week ultrasound for #4.  After going through the experiences we did with Gavin . . . it seems so trivial to even wish for a certain gender or anything else beyond 'healthy' and 'developing normally.'

But, our sweet little Autumn was 100% praying for a little baby sister.

And, although Jeff and I felt almost guilty for hoping for a girl . . . for Autumn's sake . . . we did just a little.

We always focus on Gavin and the trials that he goes through individually.  But, it should never be overlooked that this situation is incredibly difficult for Autumn as well.  She is the one that waits for Gavin, pushes him in his walker or wheelchair, endures countless hours at the hospital and doctors' offices and generally experiences a different kind of life than other little girls.  At every Spina Bifida event we attend, we always hear about the impact these special kids have on their siblings.  It is something we can't avoid, but we try to always consider.  His big sister waiting at the end of the hall for him was the only reason that Gavin even started using his walker.

So, even though I felt almost 100% sure that we were having another boy . . . I was kind of hoping that she could get the little sister that she had been hoping for. 

She told us that she would pack up her things and run away if we were having another boy.  She was looking ahead to the day that she might have to actually babysit three 'pesky boys' with dread.

When we arrived at the hospital for the ultrasound, Jeff took a quick picture of Autumn with fingers crossed and a hopeful smile on her face.

Within the first 10 seconds of the ultrasound . . . it was confirmed in an obvious way that #4 was indeed another boy.

Autumn spent the rest of the appointment waiting on the other side of the curtain in total despair.

The whole family went to lunch afterward and I explained to Autumn how special it was to be the princess of the family.  I reminded her of our special girls' nights and pedicures and crafts and all of the pink and frilly things that she loves.  I also suggested that she was one of the toughest girls I know - and that she needed brothers to try to keep up with her on her dirt bike and her snowmobile.  And, I topped it off by suggesting that she would never have to share a bedroom.

And, then I saved my own few, guilty tears until a little later in the day . . . when Autumn and Gavin were happily playing at a friend's house.

I couldn't be happier that Gage will have a brother so close in age.  I hope that they will be little buddies forever.  And, I'm so extremely happy that so far the baby looks healthy.

But, if I truly admit it . . . I can't stand the thought of getting rid of Autumn's clothes.  But, it's not about the clothes.  It's about my little girl.  And, the small little hope in the back of my head that I might have a little bundle of pink one more time.



And, I really, really wanted - for Autumn's sake - for her to catch a little break and get her wish.

In the last 3 1/2 years, Autumn has lived in two countries, four houses, gone to three different schools by first grade and had one new baby added to the family. She has gone through quite a lot for a six year old.

I spent some time tonight looking back through pictures of Autumn and Gavin. Oh to relive those days of my sweet, crazy little princess.

Although she desperately wanted a sister, Autumn is so sweet to her little brothers.  At six, she's the best helper for Gage.  And, loves to take care of him without my asking.  She loved Gavin from the start.

 

Our little girl constantly keeps us on our toes.

But, everything pink aside . . . we have some cute little boys in our house.  And, we absolutely adore them.  Even though Gavin's first year was riddled with unusual circumstances . . . man, that kid was a sweetheart.

And, then there's our little G-man.  Could a kid get any cuter?

 Honestly, I just think it will be so fun to grow our family and to have a little newborn of our very own to hold one more time.  I feel so grateful for the little angels we have and can't wait to meet our new little Peterson.

And, truth be told . . . Autumn is very likely to get a baby girl kitten for her birthday.  Small consolation for not getting a sister . . . but, we're hoping it might help.

Fishing at the Cabin back in August 2011

Just catching up . . .

http://thelilmoments.blogspot.com/2011/12/fishing-at-colorado-cabin.html

The Incredibles

Spider-Man

Last night at bedtime when Gavin and I were telling stories, he suddenly asked, "Why didn't Jesus make me Spider-Man?"

Remembering it all . . .

Two days ago (9/20/11) Gage started saying "ma ma ma ma ma".  I think he was actually saying it out of frustration.  But, I ran right over with the proudest smile on my face and said, "Yes! Mama!"  And, he returned that smile tenfold.

And, then yesterday (9/22/11), I realized that he was reaching for me when I went to pick him up.

I want to write these things down . . . because I didn't do that as well as I should have with Autumn and Gavin.  And, I want to remember these little details forever.  I want to be able to tell my grandchildren stories about their parents when they were babies. 

I have thought about taking hours and hours of video just to capture those simple little moments.  If only . . .

So, I will try to remember . . .

The way Gage kicks his legs, bounces up and down and starts to pant when I walk through the door from work.  Nothing makes me happier.  And, nothing makes more me sad than leaving that same, optimistic little face every morning.

The way he thinks my singing "In the Leafy Treetops" (which has been my diaper-changing song tradition for all of my kids) is hilarious.  Every time.  He probably realizes already that I have no ability to sing.  Autumn actually asks me to stop singing when I try.  But, thankfully, Gage seems to be amused by it . . . at least for now.

The way he wants desperately to eat grown-up food far ahead of the time that I could even imagine my little baby wanting.  He cries all during dinner until he has finger food in front of him.  And, then he happily smacks his little lips and says "ummm yummm ummm ummm" the whole time he munches away.

The way he nods his little head up and down, mouth wide open.  And, the way he does it even more when he sees our excitement.

The way his head every so softly droops over in his stroller when we are walking alone in the quiet, cold mornings and falls asleep.  A few weeks ago, I decided to embrace his 6am wake-up call, rather than fight it.  Because I quickly learned that you can't contain an army-crawling baby on a King-sized bed.  And, you'll be awake anyway.  So, these early mornings have become a special, sacred time with Mommy and baby.  We get up every morning, go downstairs and watch the first five minutes of Baby Signing Time together.  We focus on the signs for eat, drink, water, milk and cracker.  Then, we eat breakfast together and suit up for our morning stroll.  And, I do mean suit up.  The mornings in Heber have become very cold, very quickly.  We know when the sprinklers are on, which way to walk so that the sun isn't in our eyes, and how the rest of the world is missing out on the calm of a beautiful morning.  It's our special time together (although we do welcome the rest of the family to join us if they wake up in time).

The way that Gage turned into a speedy little army crawler overnight.  Two weeks ago, while Jeff and I were on the phone, he said, "Yikes! You can't turn your back on him for a second" (which did scare me on multiple levels!).  He has been crawling like this for a few weeks.  And, in the last week, he has found a way to get up on his hands and knees.  He rocks in that position for a minute and then is back down to the floor.  It's only a matter of time before he gets the hang of hand-knee crawling.  We just lowered his crib this past week.  With the aide of crib rails, he can easily pull himself up.  Yikes.

And, I want to remember that as a mother with this little baby . . .

I am relishing the moments more.  I am holding him longer and more often.  I don't even worry about setting him down on the ground to cry while I run to do one little thing or another (and I also don't worry too much about whether this is going to create terrible habits for him in the long run).  I have learned to juggle with a little baby on my hip.  And, Gage has learned to cling to me - with his little arm curled around mine and the other holding tightly to whatever he can grab - often my shirt or a necklace.

I feel more confident . . . yet, still rely on books and friends to coach me through.

I have come to the realization that sometimes formula is a necessity.  Autumn and Gavin never even tasted the stuff.  But, in the last two weeks, I have realized that he might be hungry even after my milk is gone.  I don't know why exactly that this still makes me feel disappointed.  But, I am letting go a little.  Because I'll do anything I can for this little baby.

And, no matter what . . . I will never get over the sadness that I feel when I leave a little baby at home to go to work.  Even with baby number 3 . . . walking out that door and leaving a young little family at home is still hard . . . every day.

I am lucky and grateful every day for the three little spirits that grace my house.  Yes, they scream and don't listen and fight and hit.  But, they are little.  And, they are mine.  And, I love them more than I could have ever imagined.

Walking through Target

Jeff was walking towards the front of Target after picking up a few items with all three kids.  Just as they were walking in between the children's shoes and the women's lingerie, Gavin yells, "Autumn! Do you want boobies??  AUTUMN!! Do you want boobies?"

It was a proud moment.

Clearly my kids have learned a lot while watching Mommy nurse Gage.

My Boys

Oh how I love these boys.  And, they love each other (except for when Gavin is screaming in Gage's face or poking him in the ribs or bonking him in the head, etc., etc.).