Monday, May 7, 2012

A new baby . . . three days away

I'm having a baby in three days.  It's strange for me to even know the birth date ahead of time.  I guess, in reality, we knew Autumn's (since she was induced) and Gage's (since he was a c-section).  But, both of those situations were fairly last minute decisions.  This date, however, has been scheduled for more than a month!

Yet, days away, I still find it absolutely amazing that we're about to have another baby.  Gage is still so little.  Still my baby.  Although, just this week, he has felt a little heavier and looked a little bigger.  But, he's still my little baby.

Little Gage isn't going to know what to do with a new distraction in the house.

Autumn feels like she's surrounded my brothers . . . or "bothers" as she has just said recently starting saying (not sure where she heard that little gem).

Gavin was concerned that Jeff wouldn't be able to ride four-wheelers with him.  Once we confirmed that we would still have family walks . . . and that I would be happy to keep the babies at home while he and Daddy went for special rides together . . . Gavin was once again okay that another baby was joining the family.

I've said it so many times before . . . but, I do feel like the last year has just flown by.  I remember comforting everyone at work and emphasizing that I had MONTHS before anyone had to worry about me being out on maternity leave.  And, yet . . . here I am . . . days away.

Jeff and I had many long, serious discussions contemplating whether or not we should attempt to add a third baby to our family.  Although we had agreed from the beginning that we would like to have three or four children, so much changed when Gavin was born.

And, then . . . once we were committed to the notion that having another baby was the best thing for Gavin and our family . . . Gage took a couple of years to make his way to us.

So, imagine our surprise when we were blessed with another little angel so quickly.

And, yet . . . despite thinking the entire time that Gage would be my last pregnancy . . . this time things are much more final feeling.  And, my emotions are much more intense than they were before my delivery with Gage.

I can't imagine not feeling a little human tossing and turning in my belly.  Or having hiccups.  Or moving a foot under a rib.  It's the most wondrous and amazing experience that I could ever describe.  It's one that I wish I could share with Jeff.  Despite all of the pain that comes with bearing children, I would rather keep it all than have to give up the magical feeling of a baby inside.

And, now it really feels final.  I have three more days to experience the wonder of carrying a baby.  And, I'm sad.

I'll also admit . . . I'm really scared.  I'm scared because I know the pain of recovery from a c-section.  I know how uncomfortable I was in the hospital.  And, how I could barely breathe hard or deep enough to lift the little ball in the tool that the respiratory specialists used to help me recover.  I remember shaking uncontrollably.  I wish I didn't remember all of those things.  Recovery was just so much easier with both Autumn and Gavin.

But, there's also the emotional aspects of delivery.  Things progressed very smoothly with Autumn.  We were able to fully enjoy the first days of becoming new parents together in that little room.  I took countless pictures of Jeff holding our little girl . . . and thinking that I couldn't love any two people more.

And, then . . . Gavin's birth was the extreme opposite.  Nothing felt right about the entire day . . . and all of our concerns and fears were more than confirmed during delivery.  It was a day of chaos that I would never want to repeat.

My pregnancy with Gage was riddled with concerns and little potential problems that the doctors "just wanted to follow up on."  So, even though there was the traumatic call that he must be delivered via c-section, we were thrilled to hear his tiny cry when he was born.  And, then devastated moments later when we realized that the nurses couldn't find a heartbeat.  I will never forget looking over at the warmer, and two tiny blueish feet, as the nurse shook her head 'no' to her assistant as she tried to find a heartbeat.  Those next minutes were torturous.

So . . . here I am . . . emotional about this being our last baby . . . days away from a delivery and recovery that is just downright painful . . . and sick with worry.

Despite his positive and comforting nature, my doctor even knows now not to tell me how unlikely it is that something will go wrong.  Because, in my case . . . I tend to defy the odds.

Yet, this little man has been a smooth pregnancy.  I believe that he was sent to us for a reason.  My doctor even said that this little baby was meant to be - considering all the factors.

So, I'm feeling overwhelmed . . . with gratitude and excitement, fear and concern.  But, I'm looking forward to that moment when they place this little angel in my arms for the first time.  And, I can look into his eyes and meet the little man that's been kicking and poking me for months.  When I can look at him and see my husband in his features.  When I can see Jeff holding him . . . and think that I couldn't love any five people more.

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