Remembering it all . . .

Two days ago (9/20/11) Gage started saying "ma ma ma ma ma".  I think he was actually saying it out of frustration.  But, I ran right over with the proudest smile on my face and said, "Yes! Mama!"  And, he returned that smile tenfold.

And, then yesterday (9/22/11), I realized that he was reaching for me when I went to pick him up.

I want to write these things down . . . because I didn't do that as well as I should have with Autumn and Gavin.  And, I want to remember these little details forever.  I want to be able to tell my grandchildren stories about their parents when they were babies. 

I have thought about taking hours and hours of video just to capture those simple little moments.  If only . . .

So, I will try to remember . . .

The way Gage kicks his legs, bounces up and down and starts to pant when I walk through the door from work.  Nothing makes me happier.  And, nothing makes more me sad than leaving that same, optimistic little face every morning.

The way he thinks my singing "In the Leafy Treetops" (which has been my diaper-changing song tradition for all of my kids) is hilarious.  Every time.  He probably realizes already that I have no ability to sing.  Autumn actually asks me to stop singing when I try.  But, thankfully, Gage seems to be amused by it . . . at least for now.

The way he wants desperately to eat grown-up food far ahead of the time that I could even imagine my little baby wanting.  He cries all during dinner until he has finger food in front of him.  And, then he happily smacks his little lips and says "ummm yummm ummm ummm" the whole time he munches away.

The way he nods his little head up and down, mouth wide open.  And, the way he does it even more when he sees our excitement.

The way his head every so softly droops over in his stroller when we are walking alone in the quiet, cold mornings and falls asleep.  A few weeks ago, I decided to embrace his 6am wake-up call, rather than fight it.  Because I quickly learned that you can't contain an army-crawling baby on a King-sized bed.  And, you'll be awake anyway.  So, these early mornings have become a special, sacred time with Mommy and baby.  We get up every morning, go downstairs and watch the first five minutes of Baby Signing Time together.  We focus on the signs for eat, drink, water, milk and cracker.  Then, we eat breakfast together and suit up for our morning stroll.  And, I do mean suit up.  The mornings in Heber have become very cold, very quickly.  We know when the sprinklers are on, which way to walk so that the sun isn't in our eyes, and how the rest of the world is missing out on the calm of a beautiful morning.  It's our special time together (although we do welcome the rest of the family to join us if they wake up in time).

The way that Gage turned into a speedy little army crawler overnight.  Two weeks ago, while Jeff and I were on the phone, he said, "Yikes! You can't turn your back on him for a second" (which did scare me on multiple levels!).  He has been crawling like this for a few weeks.  And, in the last week, he has found a way to get up on his hands and knees.  He rocks in that position for a minute and then is back down to the floor.  It's only a matter of time before he gets the hang of hand-knee crawling.  We just lowered his crib this past week.  With the aide of crib rails, he can easily pull himself up.  Yikes.

And, I want to remember that as a mother with this little baby . . .

I am relishing the moments more.  I am holding him longer and more often.  I don't even worry about setting him down on the ground to cry while I run to do one little thing or another (and I also don't worry too much about whether this is going to create terrible habits for him in the long run).  I have learned to juggle with a little baby on my hip.  And, Gage has learned to cling to me - with his little arm curled around mine and the other holding tightly to whatever he can grab - often my shirt or a necklace.

I feel more confident . . . yet, still rely on books and friends to coach me through.

I have come to the realization that sometimes formula is a necessity.  Autumn and Gavin never even tasted the stuff.  But, in the last two weeks, I have realized that he might be hungry even after my milk is gone.  I don't know why exactly that this still makes me feel disappointed.  But, I am letting go a little.  Because I'll do anything I can for this little baby.

And, no matter what . . . I will never get over the sadness that I feel when I leave a little baby at home to go to work.  Even with baby number 3 . . . walking out that door and leaving a young little family at home is still hard . . . every day.

I am lucky and grateful every day for the three little spirits that grace my house.  Yes, they scream and don't listen and fight and hit.  But, they are little.  And, they are mine.  And, I love them more than I could have ever imagined.