T.E.A.C.H.

I found this acronym today on a parenting site that I refer to now and then (http://greatparentingshow.com/live.html). 

I've been thinking about this a lot recently . . . but, even after four children . . . I have never felt like I am in any position to exude advice or wisdom on parenting.  I constantly feel as if I am a student of the school of parenting . . . always in the receiving/learning/experiencing phase . . . and not in the role of teacher or leader.  It's not that I feel like I am doing a terrible job . . . but, I would never say that I have it down (would any parent?? if so - I'd love to talk to them).

But, I do seriously admire the many women that share their lives through blogs and articles that have an air of confident calm.  Oh how I would love if people used those words to describe me!

T - Take a minute (breathe and observe).
E - Engage and empathize.
A - Acknowledge the feelings and needs.
C - Connect and problem solve.
H - How does it feel? How do I feel? How do you feel?

I will never forget a NY taxi driver that told me that the major influence a parent has on their child is in the first five years.  *gulp*  He was kind of a brilliant taxi driver, by the way . . . the stories that drivers must hear and the wisdom they must gain.  That's a separate story.  But, I don't miss opportunities to learn from taxi drivers (unlike my hard and fast rule that I never talk to people on planes. Ever.).

In a second, my two babies have grown from this:

to these big kids:

with a couple more added in who aren't that small anymore either:

 

 

 

If only these kids understood how hard we try to be the best we can for them.  But, I don't think you can ever understand that phenomenon until you have kids of your own.  And, then you can't UN-know what you know . . . your kids are your everything, punishments really might hurt the parents more than the kids, life really isn't fair, you can't and SHOULDN'T have everything you want, and yes . . . you have to share, be kind, and learn to handle authority well . . . and you are actually in control of your own happiness.

 

We don't exactly know what we are doing.  But, we are hopefully getting an A for effort . . . which, sadly, in the world of parenting, may not mean much.

 

We are learning, too, little ones.  And, we love you.

 

Precious Memories

For the longest time, whenever we said something to Gage, we would usually end it by saying, "okay?"  And, he would always say, "Kkkkk."

And, ever time I read Goodnight, Goodnight Construction Site, he would end every page by saying, "Niiiiiiight."

It was heart melting.  Ooey gooey puddles of sweetness.

And, then one day we noticed that he stopped saying, "Kkkkk" and "Niiiiiight."  Just like that.  Our little man had moved on from the phase he was in to the next phase.  And, he left a little behind of being a twenty month old . . . and came a few steps closer to being a 2-year-old.

And, those little moments become memories that might surface one day when we pick up the right book, smell the right smell, see the right pajamas.

But, I always fear that these sweet experiences might not make it to the shelf in my memory that holds the most precious treasures.

Like when Gavin called his beloved macaroni and cheese, mac aerial.  And, hamburgers, hangabers.

Garrett can't stop sticking his tongue out.  It hangs out of his mouth all the time, licking his lips and smiling.  He loves sleeping on his side and feeling a blanket right up against his face - just like his big brother.

Gage lays down in bed every night and pulls his silky blanket right over his face - wrapped up like a little cocoon.

Autumn must have ice in her water every night.  Often she doesn't even touch it.  But, it has to be there or she can't sleep.

Gavin, who left his bears behind more than a year ago, has reattached himself to one particular bear that he calls Buddy.  And, he can absolutely tell the difference between the bears he has . . .

Oh these babies . . . they hold my heart.

Back to School 2012

Having a maternity leave that coincided almost exactly with summer break was amazing.  I knew both our summer and mat leave would seemingly fly by.  The first six weeks or more after a c-section is more sitting and cuddling and aching than relaxing and fully enjoying.  But, I wouldn't trade time with my husband and babies for anything.

So, before I knew it . . . it was time for school to begin again.  And, time for Gavin to officially start school.  Having Gavin in preschool in Canada and last year here definitely eased the transition a bit.  But, there's just something about that bus that gets to a mom.  The bus seems so big and suddenly our baby seems so small.

Autumn started school almost two weeks before the kindergartners.  You don't know how many times I have said something or referenced Autumn being in 1st grade rather than 2nd over the last month.  Obviously this mom is in denial that her little girl is growing up!  2nd grade already.  I remember my second grade year in Mrs. Smith's class.  I love school and still do.  I honestly remember 2nd grade being my least favorite year of elementary school.

Autumn has a really amazing, positive and happy teacher, Mrs. Hansen.  Autumn really loves her and so do we.  So, I'm really hopeful that Autumn is going to have an amazing experience this year.

And, then it was time for our little guy to become a kindergartner.  He has the two boys from the neighborhood in his class and Kyler Hicken, his best little friend.  So, we are thrilled that he is surrounded by good boys that can help him - but, also that treat him just like all the other kids.

Jeff and I let Gavin ride the bus - and then met him at school to take some pictures and walk with him to his classroom.  As soon as we got to the gym, Gavin left us behind and was happy to run over and play with the other kids.  Of course he was sitting beside Kyler and being as silly as ever.  On Gavin's left is Bentley - and directly behind Bentley is Koler - both boys in the neighborhood and in Gavin's primary class at church.

Kyler and Gavin love to make everyone laugh.  The video of these two kids is even funnier.  I'll upload that soon.

Gavin had no problem powering down the hall to his classroom.  They literally walk from one end of the building to the other.  The only thing that slowed him down was a too-big backpack sliding off his shoulders over and over.  I quickly remedied the situation with a new Spiderman backpack and sternum clip combination the next day.  Since then, he hasn't slowed down. 

Since the chin-splitting incident, we have been super conscious of water complications.  When it rains, we send him to school with his walker.  We don't want to take any chances of any other falls.  This winter, we are going to have to send a walker daily.

Gavin also has such a cute and happy teacher, Mrs. Stanley.  She has been so positive and encouraging and happy to work with.  I feel very lucky to have her.  And, she treats us like normal people (hard to explain - but, I've only felt really comfortable with a few of Autumn's teachers so far).  Mrs. Stanley is great for Gavin.

We celebrated the first day of school with our traditional Jell-o jiggler letters.  Grandma and Grandpa Peterson were in town helping us put an entire irrigation system in the backyard and plant grass.   So, rather than the full letter display, Autumn and Gavin cut out their initials . . . and then everyone dug in.

Two kids in elementary school already - and two more to go.  It goes by quickly.

And, I won't linger too long on the subject . . . but, man . . . I felt like I had another full-time job coordinating everything that Gavin would need to be a successful kindergartner.  Gavin has had no problems at all fitting right in and doing it happily.  It's all the behind-the-scenes stuff, that I really don't want him even thinking about, that was so complicating.  I spent hours and hours at school in meetings, IEP groups, 504 coordination, meeting the aides, training the aides, educating the nurse and more.  Not to mention, we've both spent hours coordinating with the bus transportation staff for what ended up being a slightly sub-par solution (Gavin's afternoon bus doesn't drop him off at our door.  So, Jeff has to meet him at the corner.  Imagine that with two babies, nap schedules, and eventually snow.)

In our first large school meeting (including the principal, new teacher, aides, resource leads, district personnel and more), I started by walking through a presentation with pictures on Gavin  and Spina Bifida, including his progression and special needs.  A few days later, the special education lead, Lauren, told me how impressed they all were to see the presentation I had prepared.  She said that you'd be surprised at how little so many parents are involved.  It was very encouraging for me to hear.  I had debated whether or not to give the presentation and then had slightly rushed through it.  Lauren has been an amazing ally.  I really appreciate having such supportive people around to lean on.

Yes, we are Gavin's best advocates. And, no, it's not easy.  But, he's worth it.

Dad says my nickname is "Stitches"

Gruesome alert . . . even when I look at these pictures for the 50th time, I get the same jolt of nerves that shocks me from the inside out from complete dismay and disgust . . .

My poor, sweet Gavin.  We've pushed him so hard to use his canes more (otherwise known as arm crutches).  He's even got a deal right now with Jeff that he can earn $1.00 for every day that he uses his canes all day.  Gavin is working hard to earn enough money to buy a new game for the Wii.  And, he's been dedicated.

But, let's face it.  His canes are not as stable as his walker or his wheelchair.  And, he's five.  So, he's not the most observant.  He doesn't notice papers on the ground or a welcome mat or countless other things that trip him up.   And, he definitely doesn't notice little spots of water.

At his back-to-school night, Gavin was valiantly walking through the halls - gathering the typical stares and smiles of admiration.  The administrators had blocked off the corner with tables to sign up for PTA - making the corner tight around the water fountain.  And, just as we rounded the corner, I yelled for Gavin to stop.  But, it was a split second too late and he was down on his knees, angry that I had not given him enough warning.  Because - as you could guess - he's very sensitive about feeling so unstable.  He gets really upset when anyone makes him feel off-balance.

So . . . back to this Friday's events.  Jeff and I - and the babies - all went to school in the morning to volunteer at the school's Walk-a-thon.  We walked/spun with Gavin (in his chair) and jogged/walked with Autumn (who, by the way, set a goal the night before to get 10 laps - and was so proud that she accomplished her goal . . . and Mommy was super proud that she followed through).

Afterwards, Jeff grabbed lunch with Johnny and I took care of the boys.  While I was putting Gage down for his nap, he coughed so hard he puked everywhere.  Yes, everywhere.  After his bath, my wash down and a fresh change of clothes for everyone, the glider and the floor . . . I finally went to the library to work on an uber big report that was due by the end of the day (since Jeff had cancelled our internet access the night before - to set up a new one on Monday).

About two hours in, Jeff sent me a note to come home and feed Garrett.  I called Jeff on the short drive home and heard those dreaded words a minute into the conversation, "I GOTTA GO!"

I walked in to see Jeff wiping up the last drops of blood from the floor.  I wasn't even sure who or where he was referring to when his first words were, "he's going to need stitches."

This is why . . . prepare yourself . . .

I scooped Gavin up into my arms and rocked him like the baby that he is.  I wanted desperately to go to the hospital with him - but, Jeff needed me here with Garrett.  So, I watched them go and started calling the doctors' offices immediately to find the fastest and best solution for him.

Gavin was a trooper.  He came home happy as a clam.  He never complained about it again.

He showed me his stitches and described, in his five-year-old way, that his whole chin was numb.

The next day he said that his chin tickled.

This kid amazes me.

But, I'll be honest . . . part of me wants to put those canes up high on a shelf and revert back to something else way more stable.  I told him he was not allowed to fall again.  Ever.

But, he also has a way of not listening exactly.

I can live with tough love.  With pushing him beyond the limits that he thinks he has.

But, I've had to watch on the sidelines as he cries through difficult medical procedures.  To watch as he stays behind when the other kids go somewhere that even his canes can't take him.

And, I'll be honest.  It's awful.  My heart aches for him.  And, I try to make sure that all he sees on my face is a smile of encouragement . . . when I'm just crumpling inside.

Yes, I cried on his first day of kindergarten - like so many other moms - as he got on that big yellow bus.  But, I also cried three days later when I watched him be lifted up on the automatic lift (because the district refuses to let him work to get up the first step) and bravely maneuver to his seat.  To sit alone.  Every day.  On that big yellow bus all by himself.  Not one single friend that can sit with him.  Ever.

Oh man.  That's tough.

I've got a lot to learn from Gavin about courage and attitude and perseverance.  He's amazing.

Attitude is everything (*she says with a lump in her throat*).

A new baby . . . three days away

I'm having a baby in three days.  It's strange for me to even know the birth date ahead of time.  I guess, in reality, we knew Autumn's (since she was induced) and Gage's (since he was a c-section).  But, both of those situations were fairly last minute decisions.  This date, however, has been scheduled for more than a month!

Yet, days away, I still find it absolutely amazing that we're about to have another baby.  Gage is still so little.  Still my baby.  Although, just this week, he has felt a little heavier and looked a little bigger.  But, he's still my little baby.

Little Gage isn't going to know what to do with a new distraction in the house.

Autumn feels like she's surrounded my brothers . . . or "bothers" as she has just said recently starting saying (not sure where she heard that little gem).

Gavin was concerned that Jeff wouldn't be able to ride four-wheelers with him.  Once we confirmed that we would still have family walks . . . and that I would be happy to keep the babies at home while he and Daddy went for special rides together . . . Gavin was once again okay that another baby was joining the family.

I've said it so many times before . . . but, I do feel like the last year has just flown by.  I remember comforting everyone at work and emphasizing that I had MONTHS before anyone had to worry about me being out on maternity leave.  And, yet . . . here I am . . . days away.

Jeff and I had many long, serious discussions contemplating whether or not we should attempt to add a third baby to our family.  Although we had agreed from the beginning that we would like to have three or four children, so much changed when Gavin was born.

And, then . . . once we were committed to the notion that having another baby was the best thing for Gavin and our family . . . Gage took a couple of years to make his way to us.

So, imagine our surprise when we were blessed with another little angel so quickly.

And, yet . . . despite thinking the entire time that Gage would be my last pregnancy . . . this time things are much more final feeling.  And, my emotions are much more intense than they were before my delivery with Gage.

I can't imagine not feeling a little human tossing and turning in my belly.  Or having hiccups.  Or moving a foot under a rib.  It's the most wondrous and amazing experience that I could ever describe.  It's one that I wish I could share with Jeff.  Despite all of the pain that comes with bearing children, I would rather keep it all than have to give up the magical feeling of a baby inside.

And, now it really feels final.  I have three more days to experience the wonder of carrying a baby.  And, I'm sad.

I'll also admit . . . I'm really scared.  I'm scared because I know the pain of recovery from a c-section.  I know how uncomfortable I was in the hospital.  And, how I could barely breathe hard or deep enough to lift the little ball in the tool that the respiratory specialists used to help me recover.  I remember shaking uncontrollably.  I wish I didn't remember all of those things.  Recovery was just so much easier with both Autumn and Gavin.

But, there's also the emotional aspects of delivery.  Things progressed very smoothly with Autumn.  We were able to fully enjoy the first days of becoming new parents together in that little room.  I took countless pictures of Jeff holding our little girl . . . and thinking that I couldn't love any two people more.

And, then . . . Gavin's birth was the extreme opposite.  Nothing felt right about the entire day . . . and all of our concerns and fears were more than confirmed during delivery.  It was a day of chaos that I would never want to repeat.

My pregnancy with Gage was riddled with concerns and little potential problems that the doctors "just wanted to follow up on."  So, even though there was the traumatic call that he must be delivered via c-section, we were thrilled to hear his tiny cry when he was born.  And, then devastated moments later when we realized that the nurses couldn't find a heartbeat.  I will never forget looking over at the warmer, and two tiny blueish feet, as the nurse shook her head 'no' to her assistant as she tried to find a heartbeat.  Those next minutes were torturous.

So . . . here I am . . . emotional about this being our last baby . . . days away from a delivery and recovery that is just downright painful . . . and sick with worry.

Despite his positive and comforting nature, my doctor even knows now not to tell me how unlikely it is that something will go wrong.  Because, in my case . . . I tend to defy the odds.

Yet, this little man has been a smooth pregnancy.  I believe that he was sent to us for a reason.  My doctor even said that this little baby was meant to be - considering all the factors.

So, I'm feeling overwhelmed . . . with gratitude and excitement, fear and concern.  But, I'm looking forward to that moment when they place this little angel in my arms for the first time.  And, I can look into his eyes and meet the little man that's been kicking and poking me for months.  When I can look at him and see my husband in his features.  When I can see Jeff holding him . . . and think that I couldn't love any five people more.

The House

I just realized that it has almost been exactly a year since we first started building our house.  Wow.  It sure did seem like a long year in so many ways - and so short in others.  Jeff was gone all the time working so hard to build a perfect house for his family.  And, little Gage was experiencing his first year of life. Autumn changed schools yet again - as soon as we knew where we would be building (and the boundaries for the elementary school).  And, Gavin started preschool at the local elementary.

Now, I'm sitting at a computer at our desk in the new house.  And, it seems like the year just flew by and we've been here forever.

My completely blank walls tell a different story.  And, the boxes and bags still lingering in my closet betray me.  It's only been a few months since we've moved in.

Some could argue that it's plenty of time to hang a picture or two.  But, man . . . I'm just so happy to be here . . . with my family.  Settled.  With Jeff back at home with us.  And, the busyness never stopped.

Sadly, the pictures we took of the building process don't paint the full story.  And, at the most exciting time . . . when everything was finishing . . . we were far too busy focused on finalizing the details that were required for us to move in . . . including packing.  So, we don't have pictures of the finished product pre-move-in-date.

But, these pictures do paint a bit of the building story.

I am so very glad that while we were in Canada - and we were in the process of bidding on houses - that I didn't sign and fax the papers to accept the bank's counteroffer on a house that is now around the corner.  I told Jeff that I wanted to bring home the contract to review everything one more time.

That night, Jeff had a hard time sleeping.

When we woke up the next morning, Jeff told me that he had been running figures through his head and drawing plans for hours in the night.  And, that he was convinced we should buy a lot and build our own house . . . one that was totally suitable for Gavin.

Jeff is one of the smartest and most talented people I have ever met.

I fully supported his decision.  He was 100% right.

Gavin has a better life because of that night.

I am so happy to be here.  I'm so lucky to have Jeff.  I am so happy to have my family.

And, I love this house.